Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store