@AdamBroud

Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

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@TheBoydP

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

@Donna_McCoy

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

@raeraefairydust

My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.

Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.

@gavinspeiller

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

@Donna_McCoy

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

@KKAlThani

Hey guys, I have to lettuce you know that I spend half of my celery on vegetables. You carrot stop eating them but that’s just my onion.

@stephenjmolloy

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”

@delusions_of

“Kill Bill” but me seeking revenge on the person who stole my sandwich.

@RealDMK

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store