Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”