Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town

Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town

A:So quirky

C:Haha America’s sweetheart

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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*


HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl


Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.


Whiskey is not the answer.

Whiskey is the question, yes is the answer.


*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO


My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.


Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.


People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”


ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.


ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on