Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.