@TheTweetOfGod

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

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@joeheenan

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@GlumGeorgeLucas

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

@bngzyface

My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.

@lianamaeby

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

@NurseSeymour

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.

@AndrewChamings

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

@hansabumsadaisy

Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

@SamuelHLowe

I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”