Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
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Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
🤣🤣💀
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Why is this me 😫
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake