Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.


sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world


I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers


My Roomba just acts like a drunk person trying to play it cool.


To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.


Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.


Protip: If you’re walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don’t forget to stop as you enter the restroom.


Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils


Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?

A taxi.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”