@Jeffwni

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.

@DaddyJew

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn and a walking cane suddenly appeared in my hands. So obviously I shook it at them.

@mack44_d

These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…

…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.

@notacroc

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

@Angibangie

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@UncleDuke1969

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

@michaelianblack

There’s probably one fireman in every house who likes to work the pole in front of the other guys “as a joke.”

@sixfootcandy

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.