[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You Might Also Like
The “research” scene in every horror movie
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?