Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
You have changed my morals completely with your reply, batshit crazy internet stranger
Ladies, if he leaves the stickers on his hat, that’s his way of telling you he won’t pay child support.
I’m a man who hates rocks *smashes a rock with a sledgehammer* oh great I just made like a thousand more rocks
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I’d always pick you. How ’bout you?
Dog: No question–I’d save me too.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.