[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
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Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.