@roboticcrab

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

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@MaybePileJokes

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

@ThaJawn

Columbus: I like it here

Native American: Me too, that’s why I live here

Columbus: Why you ‘used to live here’

@ElliotHetherton

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

@SortaBad

[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”

@Reverend_Scott

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

@momtribevibe

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

@BourbonLuv

I was drinking at the bar, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before!