[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*