@reczit

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

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@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@trims_the_fat

I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”

@Ginlicker

You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?

@Mr_Kapowski

The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers

@Randazzoj

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

@DaddyJew

The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”

@torahhorse

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.

@Ristolable

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support