Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

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FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time


I put winks at the end of texts to add a confusing air of creepy.

“Making breakfast. ;)”
“Walking the dog. ;)”
“Broke in to your house ;)”


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers


Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?


The first rule of father club is “don’t tell your mother”


support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas


Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…

Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.

Writer: No.

Disney: Just her mom?

Writer: No.

Disney: Her dad?

Writer: No.

Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?

Writer: Nobody dies!

Disney: Get out.


I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support