Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
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The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.