Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
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The 6 types of sex
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!