8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.
Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.
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It’s only an overdose if you’re dead.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests
cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.