@LMHPhotog

Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.

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@Mom_Overboard

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

@steeve_again

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

@KeetPotato

wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”

@TheWinegasm

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

@james_comics

me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers

@sikeyeah

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

@doublewenis

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.