professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My wedding will be open casket.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.