People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)