@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

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@DavePrimeau

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

@freypalm

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

@Rlpihl

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

@hansabumsadaisy

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

@TheRolo

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@TheIntComShow

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

@slytherinstef

I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!

I hope I’m doing this right…