The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I also do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…