@ThanosSmiling

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

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@drujohnston

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

@MrsTomServo

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

@teeaysmith

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@junejuly12

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

@heyitsJudeD

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@djdarrellripley

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

@iRowlf

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.