A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
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Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man