“And a giant pink rabbit brings chocolate eggs to everyone’s house and that’s how we celebrate Easter.”
“So where does Jesus fit in?”

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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.


Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.


Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.


A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.


[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care


Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”


Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I’d say there’s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.