@Tups13

“And a giant pink rabbit brings chocolate eggs to everyone’s house and that’s how we celebrate Easter.”
“So where does Jesus fit in?”
“Who?”

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@occupied_stall

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

@Playing_Dad

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

@Adar79Angie

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

@NewDadNotes

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

@david8hughes

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

@sickipediabot

When a woman has tissues at her bedside, she has a cold.

When a man has tissues at his bedside, he may have a cold.

@FrankCurtisB

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@withanewname

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change