Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
You Might Also Like
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING