And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

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OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut


Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”


it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat


Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.


[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”


My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.