And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

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[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second



Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-


My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.


I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.


I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.


It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.


[on knees]

“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”

[from heavens]

“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”


[me, leaving a funeral]
That was fantastic. Let’s do this again sometime.


TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.



Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.