@notmythirdrodeo

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

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@bartandsoul

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

@Lisabug74

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@junejuly12

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

@PatsATweetin

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

@iLikeCatShirts

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

@j4ckd1

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

@Y_U_Hayden

Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.

@TweetPotato314

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

@brynnester

[Driving Lesson]
“You’ve been learning a few weeks now”
Me:Yes
“Progress has been slow”
Me:Yes
“Perhaps it’s time you sat up front with me?”