@notmythirdrodeo

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

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@bridger_w

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

@mattgallo123

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

@HeyoShellz

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

@KimBackWrites

Cashier: I don’t like tattoos.
Me: I have a couple.
Cashier: I don’t believe in them.
Me: They exist.

@UncleDuke1969

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

@scottthetwat

My grandma sent the entire newspaper to me in the subject line of an email.

@LauraBowes

Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.