satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
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Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
[me, leaving a funeral]
That was fantastic. Let’s do this again sometime.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.