And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet


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[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married


Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.


I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.


As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.


Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .

Me: what babe?


[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body


me: and they’re unhealthy


An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face


Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.


John Lennon got shot and died.

Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.

Not even a contest.