And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.