Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
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Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Therapist: it seems like you fall in love too easily .
Me: what babe?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
me: and they’re unhealthy
An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.