cat owners be like “if he bites you or scratches you or murders your mom in front of you and watches the tears stream down your face as the life slowly departs her cold dead body it means he loves you”
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
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genie: i shall grant you three wishes
me: i wish for a world without lawyers
genie: done, you have no more wishes
me: but you said three
genie: sue me
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
FOR SALE: Circular metal shield with metal handle… possibly Roman??..(chanced across it on top of my dustbin) £8.00
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.