@Dank_Pal

“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned

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@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@MarlonBrandNO

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

@robdelaney

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.

@TheHatStore

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

@anotherbecky429

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

@AbbieEvansXO

[during sex]

her: hurt me

me: there’s only one season of firefly

@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”