“And for our next lesson, we’ll learn how to roll a blunt, or un cigarrillo marijuana”
– Rosetta Stoned
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Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Michael Phelps really inspired me. No, I am not training to be an Olympic swimmer but I am consuming 8,000 calories per day just in case.
A new study finds marijuana users are not more likely to have car accidents.
Mostly because they’re usually too high to find their cars.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug