I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Customize Your Wedding.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
yeah no that’s fair
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot