And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
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My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Love it! 👍😂
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What