And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
(Gaming support cat.)
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!