Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
He just like my cat fr
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
You better watch out
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Very problematic
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.