And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Love this guy
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.