“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
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My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
bout dat hot dog summer
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
guys i’ve cracked the code
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.