I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Are you ok, human???
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word