Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
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Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.