her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You Might Also Like
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.