And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
let’s discuss
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I can’t stop watching this.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago