@i_Lean

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

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@littlekitnerboy

I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?

@TheAlexNevil

By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.

@kirbys4losers

Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.

@Izianikapani

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

@FeralCrone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

@XplodingUnicorn

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

@Jeffwni

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

@WilliamAder

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.