And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

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I don’t know what to do with my arms when I’m running, should I fold them?


By “ancient ruins of a once great civilization”-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.


Maybe I can bury my burned out vibrators in the Pet Sematary and they’ll come back to life with a vengeance.


My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.


In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers


6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.


[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?


Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.