“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.