And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said