And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
BETRAYAL
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec