And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*