Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
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My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho