and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn