And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe