And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Wait a minute…
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers