@Writepop

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

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@mrtruthandsoul

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

@TheMichaelRock

Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News

@Brampersandon_

[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*

@DangerouslyJoe9

A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

@thedad

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

@Angibangie

sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice

@smerobin

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

@beefman138

*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*

@itsmebeegee07

I don’t know who let me be an adult. My daughter and I had a slime stretching contest that resulted in slime getting everywhere including her hair and pants