“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones


Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News


[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*


A girl once asked if she wanted me to play Doctor. I said sure and made her wait in 2 different rooms for 45 minutes.

Humor stops for no one Samantha


[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom


Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk


sign your emails with “best regrets” and see if they notice


Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0


*Brings pen to sword fight*

Guy with sword : What’s that?

Me : Tis mightier!

*Gets beheaded*


I don’t know who let me be an adult. My daughter and I had a slime stretching contest that resulted in slime getting everywhere including her hair and pants