And now we wait
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Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
CRYING
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like