And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”