#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
You Might Also Like
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
me and the Superbowl rn
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!