what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
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Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa