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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith