@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

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@ArfMeasures

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

@frankzulla

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

@pilau

Saying “I’ve gone viral” a month ago

– awesome dude
– that tweet was so funny
– dopamine be hitting you hard

Saying “I’ve gone viral” now

– stay away from me
– no I won’t shake hands
– don’t lick my doorknobs
– don’t high five my grandma

@Home_Halfway

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

@Kateness8

My Quarantine Routine:

8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”