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[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Proctology is located in A55
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.