@kumailn

And on the 8th day, He said “Oh I’ll make carbs delicious AND fattening LOL!”

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@TheToddWilliams

[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]

ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!

MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!

ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK

@KPMoore8

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

@Marlebean

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

@beefman138

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

@chanelpuke

WHO WAS THE PERSON WHO PASSED UP THE CHANCE TO CALL GERMAN CURRENCY GERMONEY

@sarcasticmommy4

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

@EddieHarris216

It feels weird when someone congratulates me for quitting smoking, because it’s something nobody should do to their body.

Congrats on not drinking bleach!
Me: Thanks. It’s tough, but the Clorox patch helped.

@Nickadoo

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

@topaz006

Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.