@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

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@Book_Krazy

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

@junejuly12

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

@HausOfAustin

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@RamblingMachine

Some fairy tales start with “once upon a time”. Others start with “If I won the elections”.

@buseysteeth

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

@Be___Dope

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

@OneLastStranger

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro