And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Facebook memories be like
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.