… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.