And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.


1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!

2015: Taco Emoji!


Forget “once you go black you never go back”

I say

“For that special occasion go caucasian”


I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.


Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.


*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”


MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird