ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
You Might Also Like
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.
Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”