And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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Nose
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man