@trevso_electric

And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.

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@ericsshadow

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

@jilli212

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

@JohnLyonTweets

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

@jonnysun

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Wife just instructed me on the best way to trim my beard.
So now I’m explaining to her the proper way to change a tampon.

@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

@hellohappy_time

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

@ixix82

Me: “Relax. Make conversation, let them get to know you.”
Also Me: “The longest tape worm ever found inside a human body was 82′ in length.”