I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Forget “once you go black you never go back”
“For that special occasion go caucasian”
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird