Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
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My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye