And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
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Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.