boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
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I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.