breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.